What a time to be alive

If you picked up an edition of our paper last week, you may have noticed I was nowhere to be seen.
No, they didn’t fire me. And for that, I apologize. I will continue to torture with freezing-cold takes and, if you’re lucky, an occasionally good piece of sportswriting.
But, the reason I was gone was for one reason and one reason alone … a much-needed vacation.
My bride and I took the past week to take a kid-free cruise aboard the Carnival Breeze.
An all-expenses paid boat trip to Costa Maya and Cozumel, Mexico, and did I mention it was without kids? Because, that may have been the best part.
It was week of eating mildly seasoned food, partaking in a lot of trivia and embarrassing myself via something they called High Seas Karaoke.
In other words, I had the full Tony Marks Experience. When it was said and done, I may have even been getting the same celebrity treatment Mr. Marks does around the great town of Ville Platte.
First-name basis. Fist bumps. Jet flyin’, limousine ridin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’-and-dealin’ son of a gun.
It was fun. But, this is a sports section. And therefore, I must tie this back to the wonderful world of sports somehow.
So, it stands to reason that a sportswriter must’ve delved into some sports-based endeavors while upon the Breeze right?
And right you are. Because if there was any goal I had, it was to get my wife and myself a bounty of those world-famous, 24-karat, gold-plated (plastic) ships on a stick.
If you’ve never taken a Carnival cruise, ships on a stick are the super corny and cheap trophies they give out for various accomplishments on the ship throughout the week.
Embarrass yourself? Ship on a stick!
Know more about a pointless topic than someone else? Ship on a stick!
Win a random competition? Ship on a stick!
They’re practically gold upon a Carnival ship. Walk around carrying one, and you are that guy. At least for a moment.
My bride and I were able to bring home four last week. Yes, we were a dynasty.
But, two of them came from my own (lack) of athletic ability and/or sports knowledge.
Our first one came when I won a hole-in-one challenge on the ship’s mini-golf course.
It is the first, and likely last, golfing accomplishment I’ll ever have. And this is from someone who plays fairly regularly.
I lost the free-throw challenge. This is not surprising, considering my lack of athletic ability despite my passion for playing basketball.
But the one I needed … more than any of them … was the Sports Trivia ship on a stick.
As a teacher and writer, I work with my mind … so, I needed this one.
And I failed … twice. And finished in second-place … twice.
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Until the third time, where I finally took home the ship on a stick with 21-of-22 correct answers.
Shout out my wife on the assist. Apparently, there are more boxing movies made in Hollywood than any other sport.
All in all, it was a great week. And I’m mostly rejuvenated.
However, I do need some sodium in my life.
But, a worthy sacrifice to be the king of Carnival Breeze.
And it’s good to be the king.